Grief: It's A Process - Take Your Time

"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal." ~ From a headstone in Ireland

My cousin, Jessica DePugh passed away yesterday, after 370 days in the hospital since her horrible automobile accident, Oct 20, 2017. The are a great many of us who are grieving that loss.

Grief is your response to loss and is such a diverse and profound thing. No two people grieve the same way or about the same things. There's no right way or wrong way to grieve, so long as you aren't physically harming yourself or others.   You have to learn to do what is best for you.

We all experience grief in some form, whether it be from the loss of a pet, loss at a ballgame, loss of a friend who no longer speaks to you, loss of a job, divorce, loss of your sense of self due to a violent crime or the death of a loved one. There are innumerable types of loss.

What happens when the loss is so profound that it affects you not only on an emotional level but on a physical, behavioral, social and philosophical level?

In 2010, when Rich died, the loss was so great I simply could not function. It felt as if all of that pain became sandpaper on my skin, rubbing and rubbing and rubbing until I was nothing but a raw and bloody soul. Memories felt like alcohol being poured on the wounds from which there was no escape. At times, I physically could not breathe. To make matters worse, I was left with a ton of questions for which I'd never get the answers regarding him. I also would never understand what would possess Dean, at the age of 22, to take his own life a mere two weeks later and in such a violent way, when he had so much to live for. Here was a kid, who called me "Madre", who had decided he simply could not live with the pain of his life any more while telling everyone he was coming to my house. It left the rest of us reeling and I found out just how staggering the level of anguish your heart can endure.

Until you have experienced such a loss and pain, you can never understand what someone else is going through. I used to think I knew - I was wrong. Until the deaths of Dean and Rich, I truly did not even come close to comprehending. You struggle with your pain and are astonished that the world continues on around you. You feel like shouting for everyone to stop! How could they continue on with their days when your life has been so utterly destroyed?

Part of me just felt like I was hollow - the need to just be numb, to escape from it for just a bit was almost welcomed relief. However, the only way to truly get past the pain and grief is to go through it. There are no detours on this journey. If you cry, you might begin to wonder if there will ever come a day where you don't shed those tears. If you don't cry, you wonder if you'll ever start to cry.

If you are grieving, please remember to forgive people for the things they say to you during this time. They will say some of the most amazing things to you and are usually not something you want or need to hear. They truly mean well - it is just they are so uncomfortable with the emotions of grief they don't know how to help. I remember telling a friend how such events had profoundly changed me to my core - on what I believed and what I expected from life. So much so that I would be forever changed. That person thought saying "No, you are still you. You just lost someone in your life, that's all, not yourself. You are still you," would be the right thing to say and even went on to argue the point. Soooooo not what I needed to hear at the time. I realize now they were saying things out of their own fear because they had no idea of how to deal with the emotions I was showing.

Others will do everything they can to truly help. My friend Darren, bless his heart, just listened to me wail and cry my heart out on the phone while downing a bottle Gentlemen Jack until I passed out. My sons scraped me off the living room floor and tucked me safely onto the sofa, wrapping me up in soft blankets without leaving my side. I let everyone see me at my absolute worst. Others will do what my friend,Tim, did: let you talk when you need it and let you stay silent when you need it, while offering the reassurance to take what comfort you need and leave the rest.

This process of grief takes a while to get through and the length of time is different for everyone. The challenge is to let the memories of things that hurt so very much, become moments that make you smile. Learn to cherish the fact that you had shared such things with someone else and strive not get too comfortable with the pain of it all. If you don't learn to let go of the pain and embrace the fact that you have some wonderful memories, you become a victim instead of a survivor.

Which will you be?

I'm eternally grateful for all of our family and friends who have kept us all in their prayers during our most recent loss. Thank you.

#100DaysToGreat #FinishingStrong #JekkaStrong

Getting Your Goals Back on Track

We started this journey off with 100 days left in the year. Have you gotten off track? Have your plans been derailed? If you’re not tackling all the tasks you intended to accomplish by now, it’s OK!! We're human, flawed. As Robert Burns says, “The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry.” It's ok to experience mistakes or setbacks so long as you don't let it freeze you in place. There's still 81 days left! That's a ton of time still! Dust yourself off, forgive yourself for the slips and push yourself to get right back on track. If we were perfect, we wouldn't have to push ourselves so hard. Just think, the harder you have to push yourself to achieve your goals, the louder you are going to cheer and celebrate when you accomplish them.

We are creatures of habit. In the book, The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business

by Charles Dugigg, we learn that habits all function in the same basic way: a cue begins a behavior routine which ends in a reward. Once we understand how habits work, we can learn how to change them or use them to establish new positive  habits in our lives so that we can achieve our goals. We need to train our brains to almost go on autopilot in the direction of our goals. Everyday our brains make decisions on how to do things without much input from us, such as how to walk, talk or reach for a glass. If we had to consciously make decisions about every action we take throughout our day, it would be overwhelming so we need to retrain our brains to form new habits. To do this, we first have to figure out what cues, routines and rewards we get from our habits.

What cues do you have that lead to negative routines? Do you mindlessly eat while watching tv? Do you intend to workout every morning but time gets away from you so you end up not doing anything at all? Do you get tired and hungry after a long day at work so you just go through the nearest drive through to pick up dinner? Do you intend to go to bed at a reasonable hour but end up scrolling Facebook or watching YouTube videos until midnight? We need to recognize these cues, these patterns of behavior and plan new routines so that we can change how we handle these situations.

What tiny steps or changes can you do to set yourself up for success? For instance, you could routinely lay out your gym clothes each night to cue yourself up for working out in the morning. You could get up an hour early everyday and workout first thing so that you aren't having to try to go to the gym after work when you are mentally drained. You can meal prep on the weekends so that you aren't having to cook every night after a long draining day at work. You could set an alarm on your phone at 9 pm to remind you to begin a nightly routine of prepping lunch for tomorrow, lay out your gym clothes, take a nice relaxing bath, leave your phone to charge in another room while you read a book in bed for a few minutes so that your brain realizes that these repeated actions means it's time for bed.

By repeating these new actions over and over, we create and trigger new pathways in our brains that allow us to repeat these actions faster and easier each time until they become a reflex or autopilot item. They become things/habits you just do! Reflexes are triggered by external cues that tells your brain, it's time to do a specific action. By repeating behaviors often enough, they become muscle memory. Muscle memory is when we repeat an action over and over until the brain slowly focuses more energy on the correct action and it's stored in your long-term memory so that behaviors/actions are repeated without ever having to think about it. They just become a natural reaction. It’s a no-brainer, so to speak.

The rewards we receive from accomplishing things kicks in our endorphins, the happiness or accomplished feelings we receive. They motivate us to repeat the routine every time the cue occurs. By building up tiny successes in tiny steps, in one area of your life, the desire to accomplish things will spill over into other areas. Willpower is a muscle that you need to build up just like muscles in your body. Studies have proven if you workout even just once a week, it will help you build up your willpower muscles. That one successful action will cause you to seek out other successes. Persistence is key! Believe in yourself. All habits can be changed!

Remember when you were in school and the teacher would give you a gold star? Oh how that often triggered us to strive for more. Habit Trackers are a way to help our minds track the "chain" or "streak" of days on which we complete the desired habit. Our reluctance to break the chain forms a second level of motivation to help us establish the habit. I keep one in my journal.

So, what habit would most positively benefit your life? What could you do consistently that would help you achieve your goal? When you feel like engaging in the "bad" habit, ask yourself what you get out of the habit beyond the superficial and obvious? Then replace that habit with a new one you desire to do that gives you the same type of reward/outcome/feeling. Do this over and over until it becomes . . . a habit.

#100DaysToGreat #FinishingStrong

Learning to be Aware of this Moment

"Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are. Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart. Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow. Let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so. One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in the pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return." ~Mary Jean Iron

So often, we let the present slip through our fingers. We squander away the precious seconds of our lives as we worry about the future or can't let go of the past. We provide excuses for why we cannot be happy now. We must have more money, a better house, an expensive car, a more caring spouse, lose more weight, etc. We never get to a place of arriving - of enjoying the moment.

We travel through our lives in a fog of "someday" instead of living for the here and now. Learn to live your life gratifyingly aware. Breathe in each precious moment and drink the experiences into your soul.

Quit letting the "could've, would've, should'ves" distract you. Quiet your distracting mind. Pause and focus on what you are doing.

Make a conscious effort during each day to focus on a task. Feel your chest expand as you take a breath. Note how your muscles stretch to move. Notice the sights and sounds around you. Realize how precious a gift it is that you are spending this moment with someone. This very moment will never happen for you again so relish it, give it the attention it truly deserves because it will never be here again.

#FinishingStrong #100DaysToGreat

Learning to Live like a Palm Tree

"Alone with myself, The trees bend to caress me, The shade hugs my heart" ~ Candy Polgar

When life throw things at you, learn to live like the Palm Tree:

A palm tree can survive in intense desert conditions, in tropical climates and through hurricanes! Part of their amazing ability is due to their roots. In a drought, a palm will actually survive when all else is dying because of the long tap root system it uses to find water deep within the ground. This root system makes the tree sturdy and helps it weather the storms. We also need a support system to help us get through the rough times. When we are surrounded by family and friends, we can weather the storms life throws at us. Roots keep you grounded and strong.

In a hurricane, a palm tree will flex and bend, practically in half. If it stood rigid, resisting the winds, it most likely would break. Instead, a palm tree grows upward with a new disk added each year to the trunk that allows it to flex, kind of our the discs of our spine. We need to learn to be more flexible and adaptable to the winds of change. Life is full of change and you must learn to flex and change too.

Have you ever seen a palm tree where the bark on it has ruptured and is peeling off? That's because the bands of bark around it break. It won't be confined by the status quo. We need to not be satisfied with it either and push ourselves to grow to the point of bursting. We should not be defined by our circumstances but push through the barriers to a better life.

When a tsunami hits and the palm is trying to hold firm, it will often shed it's fronds to lesson the resistance and allow itself to survive. Our egos are like the fronds. We often times cling to them in the harsh storms life throws at us and should shed them so that we can continue to survive. Once the storms have passed, we often have gained new perspective and will grow new fronds while standing tall just as the palm tree does.

The sap in palm trees runs through the entire trunk like grasses so even if the outside gets banged up and damaged, the tree does not die like other trees. I like to think of the sap being like love. If we get banged up, cut, beat upon, the love we carry inside us will see us through the surface injuries and helps to heal the deeper wounds.

A group of palm trees form an oasis. If we gather our friends and families close to us, they can provide us with shelter and help us reinforce our vulnerable parts. Younger more fragile life learns to grow in the shade of the love we can share.

So when life throw things at you, learn to live like the Palm Tree!

Tag! You're It!!

Have you ever noticed how life is like the childhood game Freeze Tag?

For those of you who don't remember, someone was chosen to become "It".  When told to "Go!", they would chase everyone and if you got tagged you had to freeze exactly how you were at that moment. If you moved, you were out. You had to wait until everyone was frozen before you could move again. In some games, you got to move again, if someone other than the person who was "It" touched you. This freed you to keep going.

Life is kind of like that. Events happen that cause us to freeze or stop where we are and either deal with an event or pause to consider the consequences of a decision or action. You can't move forward until you have dealt with those issues because life kind of has a way of bringing them back up and slamming you with them until you do. Sometimes we are fortunate enough that everyone around us is pausing with us. The more difficult times are when we are completely frozen by our decision or indecision that we can't seem to find our way to move on.

Sometimes we are chugging along toward a goal when all of a sudden something happens that causes us to have to stop. The trick is to not let such a set back prevent us from ever moving forward again. We need to get over our perfectionist attitudes and realize that it is just a momentary pause where life had to retouch us to get us to move forward. Perhaps it is that we just needed a moment to regroup before we could move on.

In either case, you need to get to the point where you are moving again. Being frozen in time and/or not dealing with all the curve balls that life is throwing at you just prevents you from playing in the game. Everyone has to become "It" at some point, so make the most of the game while you can.

Embrace Change and Your Choices

"We stand at the crossroads, each minute, each hour, each day, making choices. We choose the thoughts we allow ourselves to think, the passions we allow ourselves to feel, and the actions we allow ourselves to perform. Each choice is made in the context of whatever value system we've selected to govern our lives. In selecting that value system, we are, in a very real way, making the most important choice we will ever make." ~ Benjamin Franklin

The one constant in life is change. The world is forever in perpetual motion. By being able to adapt, it ensures survival. I have become very good at survival. I have learned not to always fight change so much but at times rather flow with it. We at times try to fight the currents of our lives when we should merely enjoy the ride.

However, I do not believe that we are all victims of circumstances. We are not at the mercy of "the hand nature has dealt to us," nor are we forced to live a life that we do not find fulfilling.

Our lives are shaped not by the way things are but by the way we think things are. Through how we speak, think and our attitudes, we can impact anything in our life that is not in service to our path.

You can either adapt and adjust or move on. I have seen many people who cannot adapt to change very well but instead cling to old ideas even when someone can point out to them why something is a better way of doing it. Life is all about choices. Even refusing to make a decision on something is in and of itself a choice - so stop avoiding the choices you face! Embrace them.

The final quarter of 2018 begins tomorrow.  I have chosen change - drastic change. I'm no longer content with mere survival! I want to push toward goals that will improve my life so that I enjoy it more.

Are you ready? What goal are you pushing for to end the year with?

#FinishingStrong in #100DaystoGreat

Feed A Soul - Starve a Demon (Part 3)

“Love shouldn’t hurt, drag you through an emotional roller coaster or leave you feeling like less of a person.” ~ Michelle Hall

Toxic relationships come in all forms. Let's see if you recognize any of these in your life: the controlling spouse, the parent or parent-in-law that puts down everything you do, the emotional train-wreck boyfriend/girlfriend, the friend who has become a Negative Nancy or uses you as their verbal, and sometimes literal, punching bag to make themselves feel better, or the co-worker that gripes about every single little thing in their world.

You have to ask yourself if these relationships are adding quality to your life or have they become emotional vampires that are sucking the happiness, the contentment and the love from your life.

Ask yourself these questions:

• How do you feel around the person?
• When you are together or when you talk on the phone, do you walk away feeling better or worse?
• When the phone rings do you secretly dread answering it or do you smile when you think about talking to them?
• Are you afraid to show your emotions or tell them how you feel for fear of retaliation or upsetting them to the point that you just don't say anything to "keep the peace"?
• Do you feel solely responsible for that person's happiness?
• Do they blame you for their unhappiness?
• When you are with that person, do you feel content, relaxed, inspired, and confident in who you are? Or do you feel sad, depressed, lonely, angry, nervous and worried?
• Does the person put you down either in private or in front of others?
• Do they say they love you but their every action speaks the opposite?
• Do they do you "favors" and expect you to feel obligated to them?
• Do your friends and/or family like them or are they telling you that the person is harmful?
• Do you change so much about yourself because "he likes it" that you have forgotten what it is that you like?
• Do you feel you have to report your every movement to your partner or can only go where they want to go?

How many of those did you nod your head to or looked embarrassed about because you know it is true?

Do yourself a favor - choose yourself and leave that relationship behind. Choose to surround yourself with positive role models, people who are moving their life forward rather than settling for the status quo, people who inspire you to become the person you want to be rather than point out your every fault or complain about everything in life.

Yes, it will be difficult to do - especially if such a relationship is all that you have ever known. Stepping outside your comfort zone is always difficult but aren't you worth it?

Take steps today. Work to free yourself from those who use intimidation, guilt, shame, seduction and playing the victim to get you to do things their way or for them. Take back the power! Don't let them take away the joy of your days. Be prepared - they will be very unhappy about it. It's ok for them to be unhappy - after all, haven't you been unhappy for awhile? Let the shoe fall on the other foot for a bit and step out into the sun, leaving your emotional vampires behind.

#100DaysToGreat #FinishingStrong 

Feed A Soul - Starve a Demon (Part 2)

Negative Internal Self-Talk

"If you want to reach a state of bliss, then go beyond your ego and the internal dialogue. Make a decision to relinquish the need to control, the need to be approved, and the need to judge. Those are the three things the ego is doing all the time. It's very important to be aware of them every time they come up." ~ Deepak Chopra


We all have several conversations and thoughts with ourselves throughout our days. "Will he like me?" "I'm too fat." "I don't have time for this. I'm going to be late!" "I should've known better!" We tend to fill our heads with tons of negative thoughts and images then wonder why such things come into fruition. As Mike Dooley says, "thoughts become things".

Negative self-talk feeds into the fears we have. It prevents us from stepping outside of our comfort zones. Most negative self-talk stems from us allowing other's thoughts to become our own internal messages. Were you criticized by a parent, a teacher or bullied by other kids? Did someone belittle you in an attempt to raise their own self-esteem, leaving you to doubt yourself? How many times did your well meaning parents point out your faults in an attempt to get you to address them but without their help to learn more - we ended up just blaming ourselves? We begin to internally focus on all the wrong things. We often can't control the things that happen in our lives but we can change how we react to them and how we allow them to determine how we talk to ourselves.

To start to change some of these messages to ourselves, begin practicing in small steps. How many times have you responded "Fine" when asked "how are you?" I've always said that fine means Feeling, Internally, Negative Everyday. Instead, when someone asks how you are, respond with "Fantastic!" or "Life is good!" with a smile. It will begin to change how you view things and perhaps your smile will give you the added bonus of brightening their day as well.

You can manifest change in your life by merely changing your perspective. If all you see is the negative in the world, that's all the universe is going to show you. Instead begin to think about what you want in life then begin to verbalize those things. When you offer positive thoughts and comments, the world will hand you those same gifts back.

Find ways to put a spin on your negative self-talk to turn them into more positive affirmations. Instead of telling yourself "Ugh, it is another Monday" tell yourself "It's the beginning of a great week." Eliminate the words "could've, would've and should've" from your self-talk. These just begin to add resentment over time and cause you to regret. Eliminate the words "I'll try" because that implies the potential for failure and your goal is to succeed.

For the next three weeks, when you are having negative conversations with yourself, take conscious steps to change it. You need to understand that you are worthy of love, attention and a great life. You will begin to see the beauty in the world and be amazed at how much better you begin to feel.

What ways have you found to replace negative self talk with positive ones?

#100DaysToGreat #FinishingStrong

Feed a Soul - Starve A Demon (Part 1)

What are your personal demons? They are those things that eat at your quality of life. They live off your shame, fear, guilt, worry, self-esteem and cause you to view yourself as a victim. We need to learn how to quit feeding them - starve them into submission so that you can move forward. We need to understand the price we are paying for keeping them alive and keeping ourselves stagnant.

The three demons I am going to focus on are:

* Fear
* Negative Internal Self-Talk
* Toxic Relationships

Fear
"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear." ~ Mark Twain

Fear immobilizes you and prevents you from enjoying and living life in the moment. It prevents you from moving forward toward your goals. The first step is to define what your fears are. Do you fear failure? Success? Criticism? Rejection? What are you afraid of?

Failures are moments where you have risked something and it hasn't worked out as it was intended. It doesn't make YOU a failure. You should strive to learn from the decisions you have made and perhaps make some adjustments on your approaches in the future.

Success comes with new responsibilities. It means having to accept the accomplishment rather than using the lack of success as an excuse. It can be very scary to step outside your comfort zone. You know what they say about the lesser of two evils, we often accept the comfort of the evil we already know rather than accept the potential for more difficulties.

We place so much importance on what others think that we fear that they'll find fault within us and criticize us for them. Truthfully, the only person you need to truly appease is yourself. You need to realize that no one is perfect. Constructive criticism can be a great learning lesson for self-improvement. Someone criticizing your decisions and choices just to be hurtful, don't have your best interest in mind to begin with so you can ignore them. Those who feel compelled to knock someone down in order to lift themselves up are usually just showing their own insecurities. Take what they have to say with a grain of salt.

Rejection comes in a lot of different forms. For example, it might be the rejection of a business idea or a rejection of a potential mate. Rejection by one does not mean rejection by all. Think of how many authors, singers and actors who get rejected on a daily basis. Persistence is the key! They take the insights and feedback provided and learn from them to increase their chances of success in the future.

I like to think that fear is the world's way of saying I'm truly living because I'm taking a risk. By facing our fears, we take those chances that propel us from one place to the next.

Learn to face fear like an adrenaline junkie! Recognize the sweaty palms, the gasp and holding of your breath but take that leap of faith, that first step off the cliff because it causes your blood to race, your heart to pump and lets you feel how alive you are! Napoleon Hill, author of Think and Grow Rich, says “every adversity, every failure and every heartache carries with it the seed of an equivalent or a greater benefit.” The trick is to learn how to nurture that seed so that the fear dissipates and blooms into opportunities.

Educate yourself about the risks, the alternatives, and the possible outcomes. This helps take some of the wind out of fear's sails. Don't let fear paralyze you into inaction.

#100DaysToGreat #FinishingStrong

Are you a Master or a Victim?

“If it's never our fault, we can't take responsibility for it. If we can't take responsibility for it, we'll always be its victim.” ~ Richard Bach

Are you a master of your life or do you play the victim? Bad things happen to all of us. Some of us experience much worse things than others but what we do about it is what separates us into masters or victims.

For a victim, everything is happening to them, instead of through them. Looking in the mirror is difficult and it is easier to blame everyone and everything else. If you look in the mirror, you may have to realize that you are choosing to be or remain the victim. Yes, you have chosen to be the victim. No, I’m not saying that you have chosen to have bad or horrible things to happen to you. You do, however, continue to choose to let an act, circumstance, agency or condition to control you.

Indeed there are times when it is appropriate to feel like a victim. Something has happened that caused you to experience a loss, injury or death. You have to mourn it, grieve it. In fact, it is completely healthy to experience all of the emotions so that you can heal from it. The problem is when we become so comfortable being the victim, avoiding working through those emotions and enjoying the attention of others that we hold our lives hostage and blame others for it. How many of us know someone who blames their current life/addictions/situation on their childhood, their ex-spouse, their past abuse, etc?

Often times when you talk to those who are victims to their past, you assume that the events they are speaking of happened practically yesterday. However after you’ve gotten to know them, you realize it may have happened 10+ years ago and you have to wonder why they haven’t been able to move past it – they are stuck!

To give up your victimhood means having to take responsibility for your life - this very moment. It means you have to let go of your safety net. Let go of drugs, alcohol or any other emotional addictions that you use to numb, lessen or avoid the pain. Facing all of it is scary but you can do it!

You have to claim your pain - own it. Don’t allow it to shame or control you but rather allow yourself to recognize it for what it is. Then just like a beginning swimmer - you have let go of the edge and learn how to swim through the emotions rather than letting your life drown in them.

Reclaim the power you have given over to memories, to someone or something that keeps you a victim and takes away from your energy. Why are you letting them have that control? Get the negative self-talk out of your head! You are worthy! The only person you are penalizing is yourself.

To quote Jillian Michaels,

“Today I want you to ask yourself this one question: why not you? Why not you to do something for work that you love? Why not you to have a healthy body? Why not you to have healthy love? Why not you to be, have, or do anything you have ever dreamed?! We are so quick to think others are more deserving over ourselves. The truth is that we are all deserving so WHY NOT YOU?!”

Take back the power! About 7 years ago, my youngest daughter learned of a rape of a woman and became so terrified that she was constantly checking and locking windows and doors. I kept reassuring her that she was safe but one night she finally burst into tears and told me, “if you get raped, you die”. I tried to reassure her that rape did not always mean death. In true, pre-teen fashion she practically yelled, “How do you know!?” I calmly told her, “Because I’ve been raped and yet here I am – so no, that is not true.” She immediately began apologizing for my past. I explained to her that she didn’t harm me so she wasn’t responsible and didn’t need to apologize. A friend of mine was completely floored that I’d share such a story with my daughter. I explained that by not talking about it would be like saying I had done something to be ashamed of and would give power back to that person. I’m not willing to do that plus I didn’t want my daughter to grow up believing wrong information. I have freed myself of those victim chains by being able to talk about it and I wanted her to know that the woman had no reason to be ashamed either. Lord knows I carried that burden around for years, long enough for the both of us. You have to let it go.

Why is someone else more deserving than you? You might see people around you that you assume aren’t “damaged goods”, as you may call yourself, so they are more worthy in your mind. You don’t always know their story. Everyone has their own ghosts and demons to conquer. Your past does not define who you are. It is a component that shapes your life but you get to decide – Are you a master or a victim?

Financial Contingency Planning

Do you feel like your life is spinning out of control? Have you been part of one of the many recent lay-offs? Are you struggling to make ends meet? Are you looking for ways to cut back on costs?

We need to evaluate our personal situation just like companies are doing during these times:

1. Make a contingency plan.
What would I do if I was subject to a salary cut? Or lost my job? Or had a medical emergency expense? You need a contingency plan and an emergency fund.

2. Protect the core - Food, clothing, shelter, utilities and transportation.
Think of this as similar to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. You have to build walls of safety around you and your family so that you can focus on the other things you need to take care of. I saw someone describe this as "Fortifying Your Fortress".

3. Identify the people who matter most and keep that group strong.
Family and friends are extremely important especially when times are tough. Get to know others in your field of work so that if you are subject to a lay-off, you have a network to fall back on to help you find something new. Sites such as Linked In are great.

4. Shape up your finances.
Do you know what your monthly expenses are? Do you know where you can cut back? Do you know how much you owe on your credit cards and what the interest rates are? When was the last time you balanced your check book?

5. Involve the entire family.
Get your kids involved. They have amazing ideas. Besides, if you get buy-in from them, they'll learn and will help out more. Try low-cost, no-cost ideas. Present a united front: "We are all in this together."

6. Keep the lines of communication open.
Let friends and family know what is happening. It is so much easier for you to decline going out to restaurants with friends if they know your situation and/or goals. Stay in touch with your family. Email and social networks make this easier to accomplish than ever before.

#FinishingStrong #100DaysToGreat

Day 97 - Miracle Morning Life "S.A.V.E.R.S"

Start off your days focusing on you! One of the consistent things that almost all successful people do is get up early. I know - we're all exhausted but it is so useful to spend the first hour or two of every day focusing on yourself before the rest of the world creeps into your day. If you are anything like me, you tend to give to others to the point of depletion of self.  This isn't a healthy trait and the following practices can help you to pause the world so that you take care of you too. Think about how airlines tell you: "In case of emergency, put your oxygen mask on first before putting them on your child or anyone next to you". This is because you can't help others if you are gasping for air. Fill your own pitcher before pouring into others so that you don't end up on empty.

I've been reading a book called The Miracle Morning by Hal Elrod. Hal teaches a morning routine that includes Life "S.A.V.E.R.S."that I've been slowly implementing:

• S = Silence - Meditation/Prayer
• A = Affirmations
• V = Visualization
• E = Exercise
• R = Read
• S = Scribe/Journaling

S is for Silence - Meditation/Prayer

Tufts to sit on for Mediation

So about a month ago, I began meditating, which honestly at first I thought wouldn't do a damned thing. LOL! My initial motivation for doing this was because I discovered that I would gain points in the Wellness Program at work, which would reduce the cost of my benefits this year and next.  I really have been reviewing my financial goals to find ways to cut back even more and well, benefits are super expensive.

I began using an app on my phone called Calm, which can also track things in Google Fit, that our Wellness Program, ran by Vitality, will auto track towards my points. But the crazy thing is...that 10 minutes has helped me immensely to quiet my mind, which can often be like a web browser with 72 tabs open at once! When I first started this, I did it at night but I've discovered that mornings are key. I usually wake up to find my mind racing with my internal To Do List and my body literally has a physical reaction to that stress.  By spending 10 minutes in meditation, it has helped me calm and recenter.

During my mornings, I also pray. This is where I thank God for the blessings I have received and pray for those whom I know are struggling or who I feel could use God's grace. Afterwards, I expand on that time by beginning my Scripture journaling. I use the SOAP acronym which stands for Scripture, Observation, Application and Prayer, but you can use others such as POWER (Pray, Observe, Write, Envision and Respond) or WORD (Write, Observe, Relate, Declare).

A is for Affirmations 
I'm a strong believer in saying affirmations to change the internal negative self-talk we all seem to have. My mornings usually start with the thought of "UGH!" I now lay in bed for a few extra moments in the morning and force myself to change what my brain was saying.  I tell myself "Today is going to be a great day. I'm strong. I'm happy. There's nothing I can't accomplish."

Michael Hyatt, formerly the chairman and CEO of Thomas Nelson Publishers, offers 3 suggestions to make the shift from negativity to positive statements.  

1. Become aware of the words you’re using. 
2. Start using "get to" rather than "have to".  
3. Notice the difference it makes in your attitude as you come from a place of gratitude rather than a place of dread or resentment. 

I even write affirmations on my bathroom mirror with a dry erase marker. Currently my mirror says, "I am enough. Fortune favors the bold. God has a plan for you! You are loved!" I'm working to reinforce positivity everywhere I can.

V is for Visualization
I started a vision board last year, which is a cork board that hangs over my desk in my home office. A vision board is any sort of board on which you display images that represent whatever you want to be, do or have in your life. If you've ever read the Law of Attraction, this probably seems very familiar to you. This is to help you focus and visualize the changes or items you wish to have more of in your life.

E is for Exercise
This is pretty self evident.  I'll talk about my Keto diet and 5x5 Strength training in a separate post. I definitely need to incorporate more of this into my life.

R is for Read
As you can see, I keep a running list of books I want to read or have read on my blog.  I think it is important to read, especially as we get older, to keep our mind engaged and focused.  Plus I feel like life should be a continuous learning experience.  It's what prevents us from getting stagnant.

S is Scribe/Journaling
I'm a Planner Junkie so I'll do a separate post some time to review the Traveler's Notebooks I use for this.

So there you have it!  The Miracle Morning.  How do you start your days?  Have you read the book?  What things do you think you could incorporate that would work for you?

#100DaysToGreat #FinishingStrong

Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover - The 7 Baby Steps and Debt Snowball Method

A few years ago, I attended Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University at a local church.  This is the process which allowed me to pay off SEVEN student loans!  Yep, that's a crazy number but hey, they are all paid off now!  But I've incurred debt since then so I really want to focus on getting Debt Free and I want to see just how much I can get paid off during these last 100 days of this year.  I also have a goal to be a homeowner so I know I need to buckle down and focus to get a down payment put together.  I'm going to go back to what's worked, Dave Ramsey.

Dave Ramsey teaches the 7 Baby Steps:

• Baby Step 1 – $1,000 to start an Emergency Fund
• Baby Step 2 – Pay off all debt using the Debt Snowball
• Baby Step 3 – 3 to 6 months of expenses in savings
• Baby Step 4 – Invest 15% of household income into Roth IRAs and pre-tax retirement
• Baby Step 5 – College funding for children, if applicable
• Baby Step 6 – Pay off home early
• Baby Step 7 – Build wealth and give!

If you don't know about Dave Ramsey, here's a fantastic video of how it all works: Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover Live!

The goal of the Debt Snowball Method is to build up your payments until you've paid everything off and you are debt free!! The Debt Snowball Method works like this. 

You track all of your debts in the order from the smallest balance to the largest.  For example, you have 3 debts:

• Credit Card #1: Balance $5000 - Minimum payment $100
• Credit Card #2: Balance $12000 - Minimum Payment $250
• Car Loan: Balance $20,000 - Monthly Payment $350

You must always make at the very least the minimum payments on all of your debts until you have your $1,000 Emergency Fund.  You have to complete Baby Step 1 before you do anything else!!

Once you have your Emergency Fund, you then squeeze your budget for any extra money and apply that to the smallest debt first so in our example, Credit Card #1. Let's say for our example, we have found a way to apply an additional $250 a month to our debt.

Once the smallest debt (Credit Card #1) is paid off, you roll that money over towards paying off the next largest debt. In this example, that means you'll be sending $600 a month to Credit Card #2 (CC#1 Min Payment of $100 + CC#2 Min Payment $250 + Additional $250 each month = $600)

And repeat over and over and over! 

One of the key factors in this 7 step process is that you incur no new debt! Don't buy any more cars.  Don't charge up anything else on your credit cards. 

Now, Dave Ramsey wants everyone to be credit card free. I travel for business so that's not always the best idea so I keep one strictly for business and pay it off with each expense report check I get.  This incentivizes me to file my expense reports ASAP so I don't incur financing fees. I also make sure I pay off that credit card right after that payment posts to my bank account to keep me from spending it on something else! 

Need more money to apply to your debt? Sell stuff. You have more than you need or use, so sell it and put the money towards your debt! Have a yard sale! Post your stuff up on a Facebook Buy/Sale/Trade Group or Facebook Marketplace. Get an extra part-time job if it will help. Take side jobs and earn extra income to accelerate paying off your debts.  

For a more in depth discussion of the baby steps, head over to the Ramsey's site at www.daveramsey.com.

I also recommend you join a few Facebook groups of people working along the same path as you.  They are great at giving advice and feedback.  Now keep in mind, some groups are more restrictive than others and well, they are filled with humans so there will be some flaws to get through.  

#100DaysToGreat #FinishingStrong

Finding Joy

"Joy does not simply happen to us. We have to choose joy and keep choosing it every day." ~ Henri Nouwen

There are times in our lives where we feel like our lives are spiraling down into a black hole from which there is no escape.

Have you ever noticed that when seemingly bad things being to appear in your life it just seems like life keeps throwing more and more of them at you? I think that is because we become so overwhelmed and get stuck into such a rut that we forget what joy feels like and begin to focus all of our attention on the negatives.

I am always telling everyone that if all you see/notice is the negative in the world, that's all the universe is going to show you.

We need to learn to rediscover the little moments of joy in our day-to-day lives so that we can slowly pull ourselves back up out of the darkness and into a more positive light. I know that it is difficult when you are in such sorrow or so stressed out about the bills piling up, the kids being sick, the car not running right or one of a million other things.

For the next 30 days, I challenge you to look for the random everyday moments of joy that we all take for granted. For example, on my way home today, there was a HUGE rainbow in the sky. It brought a huge smile to my face.

Even on our worst days, we can find something to be joyful about.

#100DaysToGreat #FinishingStrong

Auto Pilot Spending and Reprogramming the Robots

Have you ever been driving down the road then realize suddenly that you don't remember driving past a certain point then realize your brain was on autopilot? Have you ever gotten on the freeway to go some place and find yourself automatically heading in the direction of your job because you do that several days a week?

I think our spending habits are sometimes like that as well. We always shop at the same stores, eat the same foods, get gas at the same place, pick up take-out since it is convenient, and money just pours out the door through these habits.

We need to reprogram our robot, in other words, our brains. I can hear part of us already screaming, "Danger! Danger! Will Robinson!"

For one month, track each and every penny you spend so that you can see where you money goes on a normal basis. This is to help you become more aware of how you are spending your money and change the autopilot habits. When you determine where you want to change your spending habits, you control your money instead of it controlling you.

Our robot isn't the only one that needs reprogramming. Kids and spouses will need to be reprogrammed as well. My kids will say, "Hey mom, how about a soda run?", or "Want me to pick you up a cup of coffee while I'm out?", or "You know what sounds good? Chinese Food.  Let's go out!"

I've discovered that we have trained our kids to spend our cash. Time to reprogram their robots as well because now, only *we* get to determine where our money goes. For me, I say it goes towards becoming more financially stable.

By reprogramming our responses to "No thanks, unless you are buying", it should help reprogram theirs. Isn't it funny how our kids are willing to have someone else spend their money but when you suggest that they buy, they change their minds in a hurry?

Time to Reboot! #FinishingStrong #100DaysToGreat

Life Engagement & Change in Perspective

"Just living is not enough. One must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower." ~Hans Christian Anderson

Life Engagement
I work in the corporate world where one of the biggest topics is Employee Engagement. This got me to thinking about whether or not we are engaged in our personal lives. To be fully engaged, you are physically energized, emotionally connected, mentally focused and spiritually aligned.

The book, "First Break All the Rules: What the World's Greatest Managers Do Differently" by Marcus Buckingham & Curt Coffman, identified 12 questions to determine employee engagement so I decided to make a few for us to use to consider if we are truly engaged in our lives. How would you answer these:

• Do I know what is expected of me at home, school, work, as a spouse, as a friend, and as a parent?
• Do I have what I need (skills, education) to do things I need to do?
• Do I have the opportunity to do what I do best every day?
• In the last seven days, have I received and given recognition or praise?
• Does my spouse, family or friends truly seem to care about me as a person?
• Is there someone who encourages my self growth?
• Do my opinions get recognized and seem to count? Do I recognized others opinions?
• Does my personal mission statement/purpose make me feel important and contributing to the world, my family and friends?
• Are my family and friends also committed to contributing to the quality of our lives?
• Do I have a someone I can lean on - a best friend or confidant?
• In the last six months, has someone talked to me about the progress I've made towards changing my life for the better? Have I talked about my progress? Have I recognized the improvements others are making in their lives?
• This last year, have I had the opportunity to learn and grow? Did I take advantage of that opportunity?

Did you answer "No" to any of those? If so, how can you make small changes to become more engaged in your life? It's yours so you should make the best of it! A more fulfilled person is a happier person.

Change in Perspective
Sometimes we get so wrapped up in the mundane routine of our lives that we become creatures of habit. We go through our days on auto-pilot and end them feeling drained, unfulfilled and emotionally depleated. For example, I bet most of you take the exact same route to work/school every day. Do you always have the same thing for breakfast? Do you spend your weekends getting caught up on chores, laundry, etc. to the point where you have very little time for just you?

Stepping outside your comfort zone might help you gain some new perspective! Try some of these suggestions:

• The Path Less Traveled: Take the scenic route instead of the same old way.
• Mental Health: Take a guilty free "mental health day" where you focus just on things to feed your soul. I used to give 3 of these a school year to my kids when they were younger. Sure they had vacation time but haven't you ever had a day where you woke up feeling like you just couldn't deal with the things life was going to throw at you? A day where you feel like you just need to pamper yourself? Sometimes you have to hit the snooze button on life for a day and just take care of your mental health.
• Fall is in the Air: Take a drive out to the country and watch the leaves change! Nature is painting a masterpiece for your enjoyment - you just have to pause long enough to see it.
• Meditate: Get up 30 mins earlier every day and meditate. Take the time to clear your mind so that you can focus on what you need to do.
• Walk/Explore: Don't skip lunch but perhaps pack a lunch so you can go for a walk - explore your surroundings. You never know what you can find. I once found a mesa out behind the many office buildings where I worked. It became a goal to find a way to get up to it.
• Color Your World: Buy a bright new scarf, jacket or shirt in a color that you love to add some color to an otherwise drab day. Something that makes you smile when you see it.
• Plants & Animals, Oh My!: Have an office? Get a plant or a small fish bowl to place on your desk so that you have to pause during the course of the day to tend to something beside your day to day job. The mental break this provides will do you wonders.
• Breakfast: Get up early one morning and go for breakfast before work. Sit and sip your coffee slowly without all the harried frantic pace of your normal morning.
• Interests You Love: Think of something you love or would love to do then make some plans to do it. For example, I want to go horseback riding. It is something that makes me smile on the inside just thinking about. I looked up places where I can go do that.

If you find small ways to feed and nourish the true you, you will become a more fulfilled and engaged person in your personal life. This will also reflect positively on your professional one.

Day 100 - Inventory

Today's the day!! Are you excited? There are exactly 100 days left in 2018. What are you going to do with them? What if you took these last 100 days and focused with great intention to improve your life and achieve the goals you most likely established at the first of the year?

The first thing I recommend is that you review what's happened in 2018 so far. Look back at your New Year's resolutions you set at the start of the year. Which are still unfinished? What prevented you from accomplishing those? Write down the lessons you've learned - what worked, what didn't work and why. Also, look at what you did accomplish. What pushed you to accomplish those goals? What support did you have to make it happen? What lessons/behaviors can you apply to other goals to replicate that success?

For the remainder of the year, set one or two end-of-the-year goals and make them a priority - do all you can to accomplish them. Don’t let fear or procrastination hold you back. Find whatever it is that keeps you motivated, committed to moving in the direction of accomplishment.

Take out your planner, open your Outlook Calendar, your Google Calendar, your phone calendar or whatever it is that you use and set a reminder that your deadline of December 31st for achieving your goals. I took out my planner, flipped to December and marked off the last 100 days.  I wrote 1 on December 31st and worked my way back to September until I hit 100. By noting them on my calendar, it'll help me with a visual countdown until my deadline.

I'm going to focus on these 4 areas:
  💹FINANCIAL
  🔬HEALTH
  📚ORGANIZATION
  💝SPIRITUAL

When choosing your goals, make sure it's a goal or goals that are truly meaningful to you.

First things first though! Take an inventory of exactly where you are. You have to know exactly where you currently stand to make a plan for how to get to where you want to be.

For example, for my financial and health goals, I spent a few hours yesterday devising a financial budget. I noted due dates, interest rates, account balances, etc. I used a program called Everydollar.

Today I went through the pantry and wrote out an inventory of everything in it along with the expiration dates and cleared out anything expired.  Now I just need to do the Fridge and Freezers along with the spices, etc.

Both of these items will help with my financial, health and organizational goals!  A triple whammy! Yay, for forward progress.

I'll provide updates on other items and will share ideas of lessons learned along the way. What baby steps can you take today to move you towards a strong finish to the year?

View these last days of 2018 as a gift - a second chance to dust off some of your goals and really focus on them. Don’t allow yourself to go on autopilot. Instead, choose to be intentional about making these last days count. When you’re overwhelmed and there are a million things to do, remember to focus on what really matters. Where can your actions make the greatest impact to your life?

Here's to #FinishingStrong in #100DaysToGreat

I'm not concerned...

I'm not concerned with what you look like...I want to know how you look at life, and if you look for the good in people. How do you want other people to see you? What do you see that you can do so that others may see you as you wish they would? These are your "looks" that I care most about.

I'm not concerned with how much money you have...I want to know if you are rich in less material matters, for that speaks of your character. Do you see the beauty in each day? Do you treasure your friendships and family? Are you thankful for what you have? Or do you ignore the beauty around you and take life and people for granted because that requires less thought and effort?

I'm not concerned with your age...I want to know if you are growing and evolving. I want to know if you're mature enough to own your responsibilities, and young enough in thought to still have dreams and goals, no matter how big or small they may be.

I'm not concerned with what your career might be...I want to know what you dream about in your highest aspirations for yourself. I want to know if you are working to reach those heights, or if are you are just waiting for them to happen.

I'm not concerned with who your friends are...I want to know if you can give them their day in the sun and help them celebrate their triumphs, or if you must always one-up them or otherwise steal their thunder and grab the spotlight. I'm not concerned with who your friends are, I want to know what kind of friend you are to them.

I'm not concerned with your shortcomings.. I want to know if you try and fail, whether you know that failing at any THING doesn't make YOU a failure. I want to know if you fail time and time again, can you still look at a sunset and realize the beauty of it, or see the innocence and trust in the eyes of a child, or be grateful that each day is a new beginning? I want to know if you fail today, will begin anew tomorrow with as much faith, resolve, and passion as the day before?

I'm not concerned with your past.. All your yesterdays are lessons for today's living. I want to know if you can you let go of what isn't working for you in life and build on what is working. Each day is an opportunity to become who you truly are. Your greatest challenge, everyone's single greatest challenge in life, is to discover who you would be in your highest vision of yourself, and then to become that person. Do you dare, or don't you care?

I'm not concerned with who you romanticize yourself to be...I want to know of your true character. I want to know if, as a friend, would you have the courage to stand next to me in the eye of a storm in a sea of trouble, or would you jump ship and seek safe harbor, forsaking our friendship for your convenience and ease?

I'm not concerned with your religion...I want to know if you are awed when you look into the night sky and witness the vastness and majesty of the Universe. I want to know if you live by the Rule of Three. I want to know if you know that YOU ARE A MIRACLE, completely unique in all of Creation, and an equal with all others.

I'm not concerned with how comfortably you live...I want to know how comfortable you make others feel - with you, and about themselves. Do you know that those who like you are those who feel comfortable with themselves when they're with you? I want to know if you are giving and forgiving, or if you're always keeping score and pointing out faults. I want to know if you are comfortable with your own soul, even as you are still discovering the depth, wisdom, and glory of it.

Socrates was once asked why the brilliant Alcibiades was always so unhappy. Socrates answered, "Because wherever he goes, Alcibiades takes himself with him." Alcibiades was not comfortable with himself, so he was rarely happy. As brilliant as he may have been, he didn't understand that you create yourself each day. Life is constant change. Each day you can try to re-create who you were, or you can flow with the energy of life and willfully create an ever-expanding, ever-higher version of yourself.

Have a great weekend!

#100DaysToGreat #FinishingStrong

So I'm dusting off this old blog of mine to work on an idea I've been kicking around for awhile called #100DaysToGreat #FinishingStrong 

Often times during the last quarter of the year, we get super lax in how we do things. We get overwhelmed by the holidays, lose focus and totally stress. We lose all of our productivity and backslide on things. What would happen, if instead, we used these last days of 2018 to push ourselves to our strongest finish line? What if we all reset our focus for the last 100 days of the year?  What if we pushed to see what we could truly accomplish, so that when we start the New Year, our habits and lives are already in motion rather than waiting until January 1st to kick off goals? 

During these last days, let's approach the end of the year just like successful companies do. Think about it! At the first of the year, they established their goals/focus and plan for the expected results for their Board, Shareholders and Customers. We, as individuals, do this with our New Year Resolutions. During the year, most companies and people experience victories as well as setbacks. It's in how companies address those items that determine their success. They don't have one failure then simply throw in the towel and stop what they are doing. They don't get towards the end of the year and just say, "Eh, let's wait until Jan 1 to do anything." Instead, they remain agile and shift their focus. There may be a product or a line of business that isn’t growing as projected, so they look for alternative ways to push growth so that they end the year on an uptick. During these evaluations, they may discover things that are performing better than anticipated, so they evaluate those items to see how those successes can fuel success in other areas. For the last quarter or last 100 days, they will evaluate where they are, where they need to be and then make changes and push where necessary.

September 23 is the start of the last 100 days of 2018.  Are you ready?  Let's make sure we are #FinishingStrong in our #100DaysToGreat 

Topics we'll be focusing on:

💹FINANCIAL

• Budgeting - Finishing Financially Strong, Envelope methods

• Meal Planning - Inventory Pantry, Fridge,  Freezer

• Spending Freeze - Help get your budgeting back

• Couponing/Apps - How to get more for your $$s, Challenge what you can save during the holidays

• Gifts/Black Friday - What's Important, Small purchases now

• StOCkTOBER - Getting goods on sale during the holidays for your use later

• Flexible Spending Accounts (FSAs) - Use it or Lose it

• Medical/Dental - Deductibles and Maximums reset

🔬HEALTH

• Exercise- Feeling better about yourself during the holidays

• Treating your body better and giving it what it needs

• Annual physicals and Dental Check-ups

📚ORGANIZATION

• Cleaning/Winterizing - Fall leaves/Letting Go/Fruit drops from the tree when it's ready

• Planners - Blocking out your Time

💝SPIRITUAL

• Meditation/Gratitude - Destress and appreciation

• Time with Family/Friends - What's important to you

• Unplugging and refocusing on things that bring you pleasure 

• Reading/Hobbies - Reading List, Crafts, etc

• Journaling - Documenting your progress
• Brain Dumping

• Giving/Charity - Get out of your head, out of your drama and give back

• Taking Time Off - Vacation time that can be subject to Use it or Lose it

• Dana-isms - Going to share some of my stories and experiences