Grief: It's A Process - Take Your Time

"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal." ~ From a headstone in Ireland

My cousin, Jessica DePugh passed away yesterday, after 370 days in the hospital since her horrible automobile accident, Oct 20, 2017. The are a great many of us who are grieving that loss.

Grief is your response to loss and is such a diverse and profound thing. No two people grieve the same way or about the same things. There's no right way or wrong way to grieve, so long as you aren't physically harming yourself or others.   You have to learn to do what is best for you.

We all experience grief in some form, whether it be from the loss of a pet, loss at a ballgame, loss of a friend who no longer speaks to you, loss of a job, divorce, loss of your sense of self due to a violent crime or the death of a loved one. There are innumerable types of loss.

What happens when the loss is so profound that it affects you not only on an emotional level but on a physical, behavioral, social and philosophical level?

In 2010, when Rich died, the loss was so great I simply could not function. It felt as if all of that pain became sandpaper on my skin, rubbing and rubbing and rubbing until I was nothing but a raw and bloody soul. Memories felt like alcohol being poured on the wounds from which there was no escape. At times, I physically could not breathe. To make matters worse, I was left with a ton of questions for which I'd never get the answers regarding him. I also would never understand what would possess Dean, at the age of 22, to take his own life a mere two weeks later and in such a violent way, when he had so much to live for. Here was a kid, who called me "Madre", who had decided he simply could not live with the pain of his life any more while telling everyone he was coming to my house. It left the rest of us reeling and I found out just how staggering the level of anguish your heart can endure.

Until you have experienced such a loss and pain, you can never understand what someone else is going through. I used to think I knew - I was wrong. Until the deaths of Dean and Rich, I truly did not even come close to comprehending. You struggle with your pain and are astonished that the world continues on around you. You feel like shouting for everyone to stop! How could they continue on with their days when your life has been so utterly destroyed?

Part of me just felt like I was hollow - the need to just be numb, to escape from it for just a bit was almost welcomed relief. However, the only way to truly get past the pain and grief is to go through it. There are no detours on this journey. If you cry, you might begin to wonder if there will ever come a day where you don't shed those tears. If you don't cry, you wonder if you'll ever start to cry.

If you are grieving, please remember to forgive people for the things they say to you during this time. They will say some of the most amazing things to you and are usually not something you want or need to hear. They truly mean well - it is just they are so uncomfortable with the emotions of grief they don't know how to help. I remember telling a friend how such events had profoundly changed me to my core - on what I believed and what I expected from life. So much so that I would be forever changed. That person thought saying "No, you are still you. You just lost someone in your life, that's all, not yourself. You are still you," would be the right thing to say and even went on to argue the point. Soooooo not what I needed to hear at the time. I realize now they were saying things out of their own fear because they had no idea of how to deal with the emotions I was showing.

Others will do everything they can to truly help. My friend Darren, bless his heart, just listened to me wail and cry my heart out on the phone while downing a bottle Gentlemen Jack until I passed out. My sons scraped me off the living room floor and tucked me safely onto the sofa, wrapping me up in soft blankets without leaving my side. I let everyone see me at my absolute worst. Others will do what my friend,Tim, did: let you talk when you need it and let you stay silent when you need it, while offering the reassurance to take what comfort you need and leave the rest.

This process of grief takes a while to get through and the length of time is different for everyone. The challenge is to let the memories of things that hurt so very much, become moments that make you smile. Learn to cherish the fact that you had shared such things with someone else and strive not get too comfortable with the pain of it all. If you don't learn to let go of the pain and embrace the fact that you have some wonderful memories, you become a victim instead of a survivor.

Which will you be?

I'm eternally grateful for all of our family and friends who have kept us all in their prayers during our most recent loss. Thank you.

#100DaysToGreat #FinishingStrong #JekkaStrong

Getting Your Goals Back on Track

We started this journey off with 100 days left in the year. Have you gotten off track? Have your plans been derailed? If you’re not tackling all the tasks you intended to accomplish by now, it’s OK!! We're human, flawed. As Robert Burns says, “The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry.” It's ok to experience mistakes or setbacks so long as you don't let it freeze you in place. There's still 81 days left! That's a ton of time still! Dust yourself off, forgive yourself for the slips and push yourself to get right back on track. If we were perfect, we wouldn't have to push ourselves so hard. Just think, the harder you have to push yourself to achieve your goals, the louder you are going to cheer and celebrate when you accomplish them.

We are creatures of habit. In the book, The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business

by Charles Dugigg, we learn that habits all function in the same basic way: a cue begins a behavior routine which ends in a reward. Once we understand how habits work, we can learn how to change them or use them to establish new positive  habits in our lives so that we can achieve our goals. We need to train our brains to almost go on autopilot in the direction of our goals. Everyday our brains make decisions on how to do things without much input from us, such as how to walk, talk or reach for a glass. If we had to consciously make decisions about every action we take throughout our day, it would be overwhelming so we need to retrain our brains to form new habits. To do this, we first have to figure out what cues, routines and rewards we get from our habits.

What cues do you have that lead to negative routines? Do you mindlessly eat while watching tv? Do you intend to workout every morning but time gets away from you so you end up not doing anything at all? Do you get tired and hungry after a long day at work so you just go through the nearest drive through to pick up dinner? Do you intend to go to bed at a reasonable hour but end up scrolling Facebook or watching YouTube videos until midnight? We need to recognize these cues, these patterns of behavior and plan new routines so that we can change how we handle these situations.

What tiny steps or changes can you do to set yourself up for success? For instance, you could routinely lay out your gym clothes each night to cue yourself up for working out in the morning. You could get up an hour early everyday and workout first thing so that you aren't having to try to go to the gym after work when you are mentally drained. You can meal prep on the weekends so that you aren't having to cook every night after a long draining day at work. You could set an alarm on your phone at 9 pm to remind you to begin a nightly routine of prepping lunch for tomorrow, lay out your gym clothes, take a nice relaxing bath, leave your phone to charge in another room while you read a book in bed for a few minutes so that your brain realizes that these repeated actions means it's time for bed.

By repeating these new actions over and over, we create and trigger new pathways in our brains that allow us to repeat these actions faster and easier each time until they become a reflex or autopilot item. They become things/habits you just do! Reflexes are triggered by external cues that tells your brain, it's time to do a specific action. By repeating behaviors often enough, they become muscle memory. Muscle memory is when we repeat an action over and over until the brain slowly focuses more energy on the correct action and it's stored in your long-term memory so that behaviors/actions are repeated without ever having to think about it. They just become a natural reaction. It’s a no-brainer, so to speak.

The rewards we receive from accomplishing things kicks in our endorphins, the happiness or accomplished feelings we receive. They motivate us to repeat the routine every time the cue occurs. By building up tiny successes in tiny steps, in one area of your life, the desire to accomplish things will spill over into other areas. Willpower is a muscle that you need to build up just like muscles in your body. Studies have proven if you workout even just once a week, it will help you build up your willpower muscles. That one successful action will cause you to seek out other successes. Persistence is key! Believe in yourself. All habits can be changed!

Remember when you were in school and the teacher would give you a gold star? Oh how that often triggered us to strive for more. Habit Trackers are a way to help our minds track the "chain" or "streak" of days on which we complete the desired habit. Our reluctance to break the chain forms a second level of motivation to help us establish the habit. I keep one in my journal.

So, what habit would most positively benefit your life? What could you do consistently that would help you achieve your goal? When you feel like engaging in the "bad" habit, ask yourself what you get out of the habit beyond the superficial and obvious? Then replace that habit with a new one you desire to do that gives you the same type of reward/outcome/feeling. Do this over and over until it becomes . . . a habit.

#100DaysToGreat #FinishingStrong

Learning to be Aware of this Moment

"Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are. Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart. Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow. Let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so. One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in the pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return." ~Mary Jean Iron

So often, we let the present slip through our fingers. We squander away the precious seconds of our lives as we worry about the future or can't let go of the past. We provide excuses for why we cannot be happy now. We must have more money, a better house, an expensive car, a more caring spouse, lose more weight, etc. We never get to a place of arriving - of enjoying the moment.

We travel through our lives in a fog of "someday" instead of living for the here and now. Learn to live your life gratifyingly aware. Breathe in each precious moment and drink the experiences into your soul.

Quit letting the "could've, would've, should'ves" distract you. Quiet your distracting mind. Pause and focus on what you are doing.

Make a conscious effort during each day to focus on a task. Feel your chest expand as you take a breath. Note how your muscles stretch to move. Notice the sights and sounds around you. Realize how precious a gift it is that you are spending this moment with someone. This very moment will never happen for you again so relish it, give it the attention it truly deserves because it will never be here again.

#FinishingStrong #100DaysToGreat

Learning to Live like a Palm Tree

"Alone with myself, The trees bend to caress me, The shade hugs my heart" ~ Candy Polgar

When life throw things at you, learn to live like the Palm Tree:

A palm tree can survive in intense desert conditions, in tropical climates and through hurricanes! Part of their amazing ability is due to their roots. In a drought, a palm will actually survive when all else is dying because of the long tap root system it uses to find water deep within the ground. This root system makes the tree sturdy and helps it weather the storms. We also need a support system to help us get through the rough times. When we are surrounded by family and friends, we can weather the storms life throws at us. Roots keep you grounded and strong.

In a hurricane, a palm tree will flex and bend, practically in half. If it stood rigid, resisting the winds, it most likely would break. Instead, a palm tree grows upward with a new disk added each year to the trunk that allows it to flex, kind of our the discs of our spine. We need to learn to be more flexible and adaptable to the winds of change. Life is full of change and you must learn to flex and change too.

Have you ever seen a palm tree where the bark on it has ruptured and is peeling off? That's because the bands of bark around it break. It won't be confined by the status quo. We need to not be satisfied with it either and push ourselves to grow to the point of bursting. We should not be defined by our circumstances but push through the barriers to a better life.

When a tsunami hits and the palm is trying to hold firm, it will often shed it's fronds to lesson the resistance and allow itself to survive. Our egos are like the fronds. We often times cling to them in the harsh storms life throws at us and should shed them so that we can continue to survive. Once the storms have passed, we often have gained new perspective and will grow new fronds while standing tall just as the palm tree does.

The sap in palm trees runs through the entire trunk like grasses so even if the outside gets banged up and damaged, the tree does not die like other trees. I like to think of the sap being like love. If we get banged up, cut, beat upon, the love we carry inside us will see us through the surface injuries and helps to heal the deeper wounds.

A group of palm trees form an oasis. If we gather our friends and families close to us, they can provide us with shelter and help us reinforce our vulnerable parts. Younger more fragile life learns to grow in the shade of the love we can share.

So when life throw things at you, learn to live like the Palm Tree!

Tag! You're It!!

Have you ever noticed how life is like the childhood game Freeze Tag?

For those of you who don't remember, someone was chosen to become "It".  When told to "Go!", they would chase everyone and if you got tagged you had to freeze exactly how you were at that moment. If you moved, you were out. You had to wait until everyone was frozen before you could move again. In some games, you got to move again, if someone other than the person who was "It" touched you. This freed you to keep going.

Life is kind of like that. Events happen that cause us to freeze or stop where we are and either deal with an event or pause to consider the consequences of a decision or action. You can't move forward until you have dealt with those issues because life kind of has a way of bringing them back up and slamming you with them until you do. Sometimes we are fortunate enough that everyone around us is pausing with us. The more difficult times are when we are completely frozen by our decision or indecision that we can't seem to find our way to move on.

Sometimes we are chugging along toward a goal when all of a sudden something happens that causes us to have to stop. The trick is to not let such a set back prevent us from ever moving forward again. We need to get over our perfectionist attitudes and realize that it is just a momentary pause where life had to retouch us to get us to move forward. Perhaps it is that we just needed a moment to regroup before we could move on.

In either case, you need to get to the point where you are moving again. Being frozen in time and/or not dealing with all the curve balls that life is throwing at you just prevents you from playing in the game. Everyone has to become "It" at some point, so make the most of the game while you can.